April is C-section awareness month. In honor of this month, I want to hold space for all the Belly Birth mamas and share a little bit about mine.
As many of you know, my first, my son, was a Cesarean section. Like so many of us, I knew it was always a possibility, but was surprised when I had one at 36 weeks. I’ve always been incredibly grateful for my emergency C-section, but if I’m honest, I struggled for a long time coming to terms with it, even knowing it was lifesaving and necessary. I also struggled to talk about it, because while I knew it shouldn’t matter, and the most important thing was that he and I were alive and healthy, and safe, I felt selfish for how I felt.
My Story
My story isn’t uncommon. After a 36-week ultrasound, I was sent to the hospital with low fluid with plans to induce. But when my baby’s heartbeat started to drop, I was rushed in for an emergency c-section. I knew it was medically necessary, I knew it saved his life and possibly mine, and I knew it gave me the greatest gift. But as it was happening, and for a long time after, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I had failed. That my body had failed me. Or I had failed my body?
That, after 9 months of everyone telling me I would “push that baby right out” because I was fit, I couldn’t do it. That, after years of being able to do things physically I set my mind to if I just worked hard enough, I couldn’t muscle through this one. The one thing that was supposed to come naturally to me as a woman, didn’t happen in the way I expected. And once he was here, I KNEW all that mattered was that he was safe and healthy, but I still felt like I had somehow failed. Then I felt ashamed for feeling anything other than the love and gratitude I had for my baby. The feeling bad for feeling bad.
Looking back it was so many things: the trauma of having a baby a month early, the physical pain, exhaustion, the struggle with breastfeeding, the changes that come with having a baby, and PPA and PPD I wasn’t really aware of until much later. Thankfully I had an amazing support system, and with time, felt better.
I was able to appreciate my body for going through an intensive surgery to bring my son into the world, and caring for him right after with no recovery time. I was able to know and truly believe that no matter how much we workout or study birthing techniques or write out the birth plan things may not go as planned or hoped. And that’s okay. While my C-section was emergent, as in not planned, all C-sections are for medical reasons, and I am forever grateful myself and other women have this life saving option. There are some days I still struggle with it, but I can now thank my body for sustaining major surgery to bring my baby boy to me.
We need more C-section education and awareness
It is important to point out that the C-section rate in the U.S is around 32% and considered too high by the WHO, and there needs to be much more education, awareness and oversight around this. My story is my own, where I felt supported by my doctor and hospital but betrayed by my body, and I know that isn’t the case for everyone. There are many parents out there who felt pressured or pushed or not heard, and this is not okay. And there are many of you that have no trauma surrounding your deliveries.
No matter what, we can ALL do better about how we support moms before and after C-section deliveries. Including how we talk about C-sections: All births are natural births.
You are STRONG. And BRAVE. And POWERFUL
Know this mamas: you are allowed to feel what you are feeling and to grieve the experience you had or didn’t have. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less or aren’t grateful. You are allowed to work through the hard stuff while loving and caring for your child. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a real parent.
Also know THIS: you didn’t fail. You thrived, mama. You are STRONG. And BRAVE. And POWERFUL. You delivered a baby, you worked hard, you loved hard.
Belly Birth Mamas. I see you. I celebrate you. This month and every month
Please feel free to share your story below—there is power in telling our stories!
Dear Amy,
As an ob/gyn I realize how important it is for women to hear your story and see your strength. C-sections are necessary and important but it is well known in the U.S. that they can be performed too often and this creates a sense of feeling traumatized or out of control for some people. These are valid feelings/concerns. The bottom line is to know and trust your doctor (and to know and trust their decision if they sign out to other professionals because even amazing doctors can’t be available 24/7); ask questions; be part of your healthcare team; focus on gratitude for the things you mention (healthy baby, healthy Mom and access to exceptional healthcare not available in other countries). Thank you so much for all you do to educate, equip and empower women! I work out with you almost every day!